so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
