We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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