i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
