thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
