Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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