you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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