getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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