watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I forget how to act sober
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