shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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