"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
