U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
