i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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