ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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