so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
