I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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