Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
