Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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