My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
