Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
