dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
