At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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