If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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