Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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