ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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