Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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