one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
