my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
