just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
