guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
