I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
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How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
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Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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