mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
