sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
