I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
