I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
