My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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