this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
