She just used a chaser for red wine.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
