I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
only you would photoshop your dick
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
