I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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