remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
