I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
