i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
