my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
