So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I don't deserve a penis
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
