his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.