Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
