Sry I called you an 8
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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