Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
