i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
