i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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