He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
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