I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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