U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
