I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
