and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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