So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
MIDGETS
????
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
