big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
