Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
