clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
